Christopher Morris-Lent
7/6/2012 11:00:00 AM
In One Hundred Years of Solitude, the boredom of living in a surreal, incestuous cow-town is punctuated, from time to time, by the arrival of gypsies bearing trinkets. These trinkets broaden possibility; they are the inhabitants' sole glimpses into the outside world. And then the gypsies leave, but they are never “truly gone.”

So it is with SCG's open series. It comes to Seattle once a year, and when it comes, you go, and are the better for it. I knew I wasn't going to play Legacy, that format that attracts the skillful spendthrift; so I got up early on Saturday, hopped in the car, and drove up to Lynnwood. “Play the game, see the world”: I would otherwise have no reason to ever go north of my residence, and, as I passed the park-and-rides and chain restaurants with gruesome décor visible from the street, I knew I was entering another world, albeit one fewer than ten miles from home.


Regular readers of this column will know that I don't like Standard (now or ever, really). All the more reason to play: what could be better than dusting off people that had invested more time, more money, more self-esteem, into building the ultimate net-deck? I had already traded my Standard staples (as good an investment as the Facebook IPO) for Cube stuff, so I ended up playing this list:

Sixty-Dollar Poison by Christopher Morris-Lent Finished 17th - 32nd Place at 2012 StarCity Open Standard - Seattle - 6/30 Main Deck Sideboard 4 Blighted Agent 1 Glistener Elf 3 Spellskite Creatures [8] 2 Apostle's Blessing 2 Artful Dodge 4 Gitaxian Probe 2 Gut Shot 3 Livewire Lash 4 Mutagenic Growth 4 Ponder 4 Ranger's Guile 1 Runechanter's Pike 4 Wild Defiance Spells [30] 2 Evolving Wilds 6 Forest 4 Hinterland Harbor 4 Inkmoth Nexus 6 Island Lands [22] Deck Total [60] 2 Grafdigger's Cage 1 Gut Shot 3 Mana Leak 3 Mental Misstep 2 Negate 2 Ratchet Bomb 2 Silent Departure Sideboard [15] View a Sample Hand! Solitaire this Deck! Click for full deck stats & notes!

I am happy with fifty-nine of the sixty. Glistener Elf is temporarily terrible (no Rancor yet!) and should probably be the third Gut Shot. As for the sideboard, it is abysmal. I recommend cutting the Negates and a Cage for three Beast Within, an idea I had had before and then forgotten, for no reason, prior to the start of the tournament.

In a vacuum, the deck is terrible. It's linear, inconsistent, susceptible to hate, and quite capable of doing nothing in the absence of that hate. And yet, it can win out of nowhere.

In my opinion, Standard sucks for the same reason that AVR limited sucks: it's non-interactive and not very cerebral. The entire reason I built poison was as sort of a dirty protest against the format: no deck punishes a lack of interaction like this one. And even if villain does have interaction, most Standard players are not used to playing carefully around a combo finish. And even if villain does play around the finish correctly, playing a “serious” tournament with this deck is still hilarious. My objective was not to win the Open; I wanted to have fun; I wanted to troll people. In that regard, I liked my chances.

The tournament started late – these things always do – and, after chugging a coffee and catching up with [insert Flores-like name-drop here], I was ready to do battle. On to the matches!

Round 1 vs. Jordan (UW Delver)
Jordan had a surname with which I was familiar, and, after the match, I found out he was the younger brother of my second-ever sanctioned-chess opponent. (Seattle is a small town; most everyone worth knowing knows each other.) All of this aside, I didn't win that chess game, and I wouldn't win this match either. Delver is a fairly bad matchup; they interact (Vapor Snag and Mana Leak are both really good against us), put us on a quick clock, and have flying blockers for Inkmoth Nexus. He had a mulligan and a slow start in game one, which I took. Sideboarding sparingly for game two, I reflected that all I needed to do was get lucky in one of two games. It didn't happen.

0-1, 1-2

Round 2 vs. Cole (RUG Pod)
In game one, I kept a hand with Spellskite, Wild Defiance, Runechanter's Pike, Ponder, and no poison dudes. After durdling and digging, I still had no poison guys, so I put the Pike on the ‘Skite and attacked for four. He made a Huntmaster, presumably putting an end to my poor plan B; but then Apostle's Blessing appeared, and the angry Horror got in for twenty. In game two, I won with poison.

1-1, 3-2

Round 3 vs. Ruben (Grixis Control)
Game one he didn't interact, and I ended up doing all the damage (8 normal to myself, 10 poison to him). Game two I Probed him on the draw and saw the following:

Bonfire of the Damned, Desperate Ravings, Devil's Play, Whipflare, Dragonskull Summit, Blackcleave Cliffs

No counters meant Livewire Lash resolved, and no instant-speed removal meant Inkmoth Nexus hit him for the full ten a turn later. “That is just the worst,” he said, disgusted. “I don't mean to rag on you, but I don't see you making Top 8 with that deck.”

“Neither do I,” I said.

2-1, 5-2

After that quick victory, I told my friends that I had won a game with normal damage and elicited a derogatory comment after winning a match. “Whatever happens, the tournament is already a huge success,” I said. (You'll note that none of the matches have been all that interesting thus far: it's not my fault.)

Round 4 vs. Andrew (Naya Pod)
I won yet another die roll and kept the nuts, game one; my notes indicate that he took ten poison in one swing. In game two, he couldn't race an Agent with a Lash; after I swung to get him up to eight poison, he stared at the board and said, “If I kill Agent, I lose. If I don't kill Agent, I lose.” I nodded in agreement, and he scooped up his cards.

3-1, 7-2

Round 5 vs. Philip (UW Delver)
Philip was a softspoken Russian fellow, who, despite his manifold rules questions, had a good grasp of how to pilot his deck. Game one, he tapped out for Sword of War and Peace and Geist of Saint Traft on consecutive turns; this was not a good plan against Blighted Agent, Wild Defiance, Mutagenic Growth, Mutagenic Growth. Game two I Probed and saw this:

Mana Leak, Mana Leak, Mana Leak, Restoration Angel, Surgical Extraction

All my spells got countered, Livewire Lash got Extracted, Snapcaster flashed back Extraction to get rid of my two Ponders in hand, and I died in short order. Then, in game three, the following happened:

Me: Animate Nexus.
Him: Vapor Snag.
Me: Mental Misstep.
Him: Dismember.
Me: Ranger's Guile. Um, swing for 13?

After a little hemming and hawing, we fished our spells out of our graveyards, we reconstructed the stack, I informed him that Dismember fizzled (but had still targeted my Nexus, granting it a most irrelevant Wild Defiance bonus), and he agreed that he was dead. “I shouldn't have attacked with that flipped Delver,” he said. “There was no point.” I concurred.

4-1, 9-3

Round 6 vs. the Corona
My opponent failed to show up for this round, so I left the tournament area to go forage. These tournaments are exhausting, much more so than Modo events; I cannot imagine getting through them without a trusty pack of cigarettes, and yet those just add to the Fatigue as the tar builds up in your lungs. I set out across the interlocking parking lots and found a Mexican restaurant. Though the aesthetic was tasteless and glaring, like a Red Robin bar area, and the menu was garishly presented; the food was decent, the staff spoke Spanish, and there was Mexican soccer on the TVs: for the suburbs, it was as “authentic” as it gets. The best part, though, was the beer: having chugged caffeine (a drug much harder on the body than booze) for hours, I longed for something cold and refreshing. The Corona was perfect: smooth and mild; it was the best beer I'd had since, as a college student, we had gone bowling and I had ordered bottled Budweiser; you gotta reward yourself for physical activity. You know why you feel smarter after having a single beer? It's because you actually are.

5-1, 11-3

High Mid Low

Spellskite

$11.10

$7.95

$5.65

Store QTY Price   MTG Deals 14 $5.65 ColiseumGamesHobbies 14 $5.65 MTG Deals 1 $5.65 GG Cards and Trading 1 $5.65 CardAddiction 4 $5.95 Magical Ogre 46 $5.99 HotsauceGames 7 $6.29 Tier 1 Games 1 $6.64 Perfect Storm MtG 2 $6.64 >> View all Prices for Spellskite << Store.TCGplayer.com allows you to buy cards from any of our vendors, all at the same time! Shop, Compare & Save with TCGplayer.com! - [Store FAQ]

Round 7 vs. Joe Bono (RUG Pod)
Joe is a fairly well-known judge in these parts; he is generous of mind and spirit. Game one he had a bad start off a mull to six, missing a land drop when his dork got Shotted. Game two was more interesting. He mulled to five and led off with Llanowar Elves. It ate a Gut Shot, and Probe revealed:

Copperline Gorge, Llanowar Elves, Acidic Slime

He slammed two Elves on his turn. I added a Spellskite. He played another land; the Slime killed the ‘Skite, which saved my Nexus. I stuttered a little on land drops, which was particularly bad because equipping a Nexus with a Livewire Lash is our most mana-intensive plan. I was able to pump Nexus with Mutagenic Growth, but made an egregious mistake in targeting Acidic Slime with the Lash trigger, instead of doming him (for seven total, and then three the next turn); this gave him an extra turn to live. He untapped and attacked me down to five. I swung for three more poison; he was at eight. If he top-decked 1 extra damage, I was dead. I went to one and was only a little relieved when he dropped a Birds. Now I'd need a fifth land to animate Nexus, equip it, and target it with one of my pump spells. I untapped, drew for the turn, and saw...Inkmoth Nexus.

6-1, 13-3

So! What have we here? I'd equaled my record for number of wins in a single tournament. And after a first-round loss! My “remote rail,” whom I had been keeping in the loop via text message, was erupting (or so I imagined); several acquaintances far more illustrious than me were pulling for a Top 8; I was feeling the pressure. I ran to the Mexican restaurant, downed a Negra Modelo, and paced nervously around the hall as the clock counted interminably upward and the round still failed to start.

Round 8 vs. Andrew (Naya Pod)
Game one he mulled to five, but was able to Recoup the lost cards with a Birds, a Borderland Ranger, and a Restoration Angel. Meanwhile, I was doing ...nothing? It was one of those weird games where I drew neither Wild Defiance nor “Wild Defiances five through eight,” those games that were so numerous with only six pump-pump effects. Blighted Agent was getting through for one a turn, but I was on a fast clock. Being out of cantrips, I decided I needed to try to “burn him out”; if I drew a Defiance or an equipment, I'd win anyway. Ranger's Guile brought him to 5 poison. He attacked me down to 5. Another Guile brought him to 7 poison. He swung with everything. I blocked Geist-Honored Monk with a Nexus, Restoration Angel with another Nexus, and Borderland Ranger with Spellskite; I went to 1. He shrugged, played a Huntmaster, and passed. I untapped, hard-cast Mutagenic Growth, and swung for game. It was the second consecutive game where my opponent had mulled to five, reduced my life to a single point, and lost.

He kept on the play game two, but my hand wasn't going to lose. I dropped a Blighted Agent; he miracled Bonfire for 1; I had the Mutagenic Growth. He did the same the next turn; I had the Apostle's Blessing. With Spellskite backup, Livewire Lash joined the fun, and he scooped in disgust.

7-1, 15-3

Round 9 vs. Casey (Solar Flare)
Because my breakers were the nut low, I knew I had to win the next round to make Top 8; anything else would be insufficient. But Fortuna smiled upon me, and I was paired down. My opponent arrived at the table, and I immediately asked him if he could make it. “I think I can,” he said. I disagreed; he disagreed with my disagreement; I thought, “Who the hell am I to tell this guy to scoop?”

So we made our way over to the feature match area. We talked about the philosophy of Magic: how the emotions were so high, because the stakes were so low. I muttered an orison to Fortuna: “Please, no Delver.”

I won the die roll and kept a decent hand. I had this. I Probed and saw:

Seachrome Coast, Ghost Quarter, Gideon Jura, Liliana of the Veil, Lingering Souls, Evolving Wilds

Oh, no. This deck.

I lost the first game quickly. For game two, I brought in seven cards; it was the first time all tournament I had switched out more than three, and it already felt like an admission of defeat. Fifteen minutes and one Liliana ultimate later, I was shaking his hand and congratulating him. “All day I've been getting free wins goldfishing people,” I said. “I might be able to beat a Planeswalker, or flying blockers, or removal spells, or counterspells, but certainly not all at once. Your deck makes me feel better about this format. It gives me hope.”

“I'll feel really bad for you if I don't make it,” he replied, and I told him not to worry about it; it wasn't on him, after all, and making Top 8 wouldn't have addressed my fundamental problem as a Magic player, viz. I need to get better. For those keeping track at home (and there shouldn't be any of you, since I'm the most depressing Seattle entity to root for that isn't the Mariners), I'm now 0-5 in win-and-in situations – one loss in my first PTQ, one at GP Sea-Tac (for day two), two at the last Modern paper PTQ, and one here. If you had told me, at the start of the tournament, that I'd get 23^rd out of 407, with a gimmick deck, I'd have been elated. But I became the victim of my own high expectations; the last-round loss felt awful; I collected my little min-cash (it paid for the deck and the entry fee!) and fled the tournament hall.

As for my final opponent: he got 9^th.

Thanks for reading!
CML